Self-Worth

Why do we let ourselves get so tied up in the lives of other people? Why must my self-worth be linked to the successes and failures of others? Why do I feel sad when other people succeed? I try and try and try to make myself happy. To make myself complacent. To make myself believe that I'm not a failure. But I even fail at that.

Its like this song by Saving Jane "I don't know I'm feeling sorry for myself, I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else" and its true. I do spend my life wishing I was someone else, anyone else. Even in the scale of being messed up I'm only somewhere in the middle. So I can't feel bad for myself because there are other people messed up more than me. And because of that if I do feel bad then I'm only doing it for attention. Isn't that right? I can't possibly believe what I saw I believe, it's all an act to make you pay attention to me. I should just stop pretending to feel hurt and lost. Give the resources and the sympathy to those that really need it. I'm selfish.

I can't outdo you. It's wrong to try. Gotta be good. Gotta be happy. Gotta put on the perfect face. Gotta dance the right dance. Stand in the back. Don't get in anyone's way. Be happy that you are even here to stand in the back. Be thankful people even know your name, not that they would acknowledge you. Understand that you're nobody's favorite. The sooner the better. Don't stray from your place. You facilitate life for other people. You make them shine. You're a gauge for happiness and despair. Those better off get rewards, those worse off get sympathy. You get to stand there and be invisible. You are used when needed, always in waiting, readying for what's next.

Get up go to class, internet tells you where you are. Go to bed. Repeat. Don't think or hope or dream. You'll only be disappointed. You'll only feel sad, but that sadness can't go anywhere, can't do anything. You'd upset the balance. You know that's true. It's what they've implied. It's what they've actually told you. But who are you? What are you? Why are you?

I am a measuring post. A barometer. I long to not be compared but I know that's not the case. I know that my purpose in life is to make the happy happier, the make the content not worry, to seek out those whose hearts are breaking and be a shoulder to cry on. To do this silently because if I find my voice it'll be hushed. No on wants to listen to a measuring post.