This is My Confession

I'm tired of trying to convince myself that anyone from home wants me here. That's not to say that people at home aren't being supportive and wish me well, but I've just been feeling out here in the wilderness. My discussions with others about the journey to Truett, always seem to have someone that instigated the process of getting here. But I found Truett on my own. Found Baylor on my own. And it's making me question what I'm doing here, if no one ever saw a reason for me to go to graduate school.

I'm just disheartened, I think, and I can't get a word in edgewise with God. It's so lonely being here sometimes and being distant from everyone, both in Waco and Houston. I look around and everyone seems to have this profound calling to come to seminary or the school of social work. I look at myself and feel like I'm drifting along, hoping that I'm going to find myself on the correct path. I don't doubt that to some degree this is where I'm meant to be. It all just fell into place so easily and I'm actually excited to go to class and learn and try and apply that knowledge.

It's like being at a bus stop. You know you are at the right bus stop, but you have no idea what bus you are supposed to get on. I'm just exhausted from waiting, or hoping that someone is going to show up and tell me. I hate feeling like I'm trying to hold on the people that may not want me to hold onto them. I'm tired of convincing myself that coming here wasn't a disappointment to some people. I don't know how to interact with people at home because I don't know what they think I am, what I'm doing, what I'm not doing, if they even care anymore. Of course, this isn't inclusive of everyone in Houston, but it feels like I've been released from my safety net, my extended family, my foundation into nothing and I'm not sure how far I'm going to fall before I'm caught or I hit the ground.

Two roads diverged and because I had no idea which way to go, I sat down.